Ululation

So I’m thinking if this writing thing doesn’t work out I could try professional mourning. I’m becoming quite skillful at misery on demand, or at the very least, in an instant.

I know I’m not supposed to feel sorry for myself, am meant to keep my chin up and my aim high, but this bow is getting awfully heavy and I’m riddled with holes. The lengths I’ve gone to to keep my manuscript from such a plot-fuck do not seem to matter. What I want isn’t wanted, and when I think, not yet, I feel like I’m only delaying the inevitable.

Which is to say, a black fringed head scarf.

There are crazier things I could do, and won’t. You know the sorts of things, the human-stupid things we have the power to do but have learned better: driving on the wrong side of the road, willfully, madly, touching hot iron or tasting boiling water, cheating on our husbands. Thinking of these things reminds me, at least, of what my hands and heart can do and never will, and keeps me from numbering seemingly impossible dreams among them.

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6 thoughts on “Ululation

  1. Serena

    I can’t imagine how tough this process is on you because I’m not even remotely there yet. You’ve already achieved something by finishing a novel. Now you just have to wait to find the person who believes in it the way you do. Patience and perseverance are your friends here, even though they are both huge pains in the ass. I wish it was easier. I still have absolute faith in you! Keep your chin up and try to occupy yourself in another way for a while. You’ll feel better about everything once you’ve had a bit of perspective. (what is with all the irritating P words?) ❤

    Reply
    1. The Girl Post author

      I wanted to be super clever and think of an awesome P word to describe you and/or this comment, but all I could think of was purulent, which is totally NOT appropriate.

      ❤ RIGHT BACK AT YOU, MA'AM.

      Reply
  2. Pat

    “Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there.” – Otomo No Yakamochi

    Reply
  3. Jennifer Tobin

    Jillian,

    Forgive me, for I know that your post is heartfelt. I know your pain, for in finishing my dissertation I am there with you. However, when I first read your post, I thought you wrote “professional MOUNTING”, not mourning. Now THAT would be drastic.

    Hugs,

    Jenn

    Reply

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